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Why Is Zillow Better Than Sex?

For most home buyers and sellers nothing is better than sex, not even Zillow. But I've found some possible reasons:

1. With Zillow, you can check the value before you buy.
2. Zillow's only fetish is a Square Foot Fetish.
3. Zillow always gets back to you.
4. With Zillow, you always get a Zesti-Mate.
5. What else starts with Zest and ends with Mate?
6. Zillow doesn't need ads with Bob Dole or Rush Limbaugh.
7. With Zillow, all the protection you'll need is a pocket protector and a Spam filter.
8. You don't have to shave your legs, bathe or wax for Zillow.
9. Zillow doesn't care that you want to see other Web sites.
10. Zillow only asks about your home's age.
11. Zillow doesn't "Google" you, blog about you, or laugh at your "MySpace" page.
12. Zillow doesn't care what you did before you were a Realtor. They wouldn't believe you anyway.
13. Zillow doesn't care what kind of car you have, just where you'll park it.
14. Zillow never picks you up late.
15. Zillow is a cheaper date. 
16. Zillow is always easy.
17. With Zillow, you don't have to beg.
18. Zillow doesn't ask if you took your pill.
19. Zillow doesn't make you turn the lights out.
20. Zillow doesn't laugh when you turn on the lights; either.
21. Zillow always says, "Byte me."
22. Zillow never has problems with zippers, buttons or bra staps.
23. Zillow doesn't mind with your last love's perfume, lip stick or bra.
24. Zillow gets fewer yeast infections.
25. Zillow never laughs at the wrong time.
26. Zillow never hums "Is That All There Is" at the wrong time.
27. Zillow always takes responsibility, it uses an anti-virus and a Spam filter.
28. Zillows always lets your information come first.
29. Zillow has a bigger hard drive.
30. Zillow doesn't care how the curtains are hung; either.
31. With Zillow size doesn't matter; as much.
32. Zillow is up and ready to go in seconds.
33. Zillow always lets you be on top.
34. Zillow doesn't mind if you yell, "Google".
35. Zillow doesn't ask you to "talk dirty"; except to Realtors.
36. Zillow doesn't care if the phone rings.  Even if you answer it.
37. Who needs Viagra, when you have Ziagra.
38. Zillow never asks you to sit on the computer screen.
39. Zillow is 24/7 and can go all night long.
40. Zillow has a quicker refresh cycle.
41. Zillow always asks, "Was it good for you?"
42. Zillow doesn't mind if you roll over and go to sleep.
43. Zillow never makes you sleep on the wet spot.
44. Zillow always respects you in the morning.
45. Zillow doesn't care if you're AC/DC, a switch hitter, or if you play for both teams.
46. With Zillow, you can practice at home alone, too.
47. Zillow never asks, "How many?"  Only, "What neighborhood?"
48. My library doesn't block Zillow.com.
49. Zillow doesn't mind when you have to reboot.
50. Zillow never hangs up during phone sex.
51. Zillow only cares if you're circumscribed.
52. Kids interrupt you less during Zillow.
53. With Zillow, what's good to be goosed is good to be gandered, too.
54. "Zillow And The City" is still running in prime time.
55. Pre-Marital Zillow is against fewer religions.
56. Zillow has no opinions on your relatives; only their houses.
57. Zillow doesn't mind if you look at your watch, or even shake it to see if it stopped.
58. Zillow never gets PMS; only PMZ.
59. Zillow is cheaper than any other Real Estate Escort Service.
60. Being up 24/7, Zillow really is Sleepless in Seattle.
61. Zillow takes less in your divorce.
62. "Not tonight, I have a headache", is heard less than, "Not tonight, the computer's down."
63. Zillow isn't a 4-letter word, except for Realtors.
64. You don't have to be drunk to perform Zillow.
65. Zillow doesn't make you turn off the game, the TV; or even the computer.
66. There's no commandment against coveting your neighbor's Zestimate, unless you include Realtor Commandments.
67. Cheating with Zillow will make your Realtor more jealous.
68. Zillow has seen more bedrooms than Wilt Chamberlain.
69. Is that a portable hard drive in your pocket?  Or are you glad to see me?
70. It's not so bad when a Realtor tells you to "Go Zillow yourself."
71. With Zillow, he can't lie to you about his house's worth, more than 10%
72. Zillow Interruptus is more frustrating.
73. With Zillow, "The Big Oh" is what you pay for property information.
74. With Zillow, "Heavy Petting" is a St. Bernard.
75. Zillow is only MicroSoft Porn.
76. Zillow doesn't even mind if you cheat with RealEstateABC.com.
77. Zillow is the KY Jelly for your most intimate home buying experiences.
78. Zillow will let you try all those things you saw on HGTV.
79. Zillow is familiar with the "G-Spot" and the "Z-Spot."
80. If only Zillow was available for Bill Clinton in the oval office...
81. Zillow never says "Wearing a condom is like taking a shower in a rain coat."  Unless you put the condom on the mouse.

A Realtor's Buyer or Seller Might Be Using Zillow If:

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.

A Realtor's buyer or seller might be using Zillow if:

1. They think their house is worth less than your CMA.
2. They check the price of each of your comps on their cell phone.
3. They scribble variations of "Z" on your CMA and your listing presentation folder.
4. They start each objection with "But Zillow says..."
5. The finger they give you, clicks through to Zillow.
6. The letter, "Z" is worn off all their keyboards.
7. They circle all the "z's" in your listing presentation folder.
8. Every time you try to start your listing presentation, they practice Zillow Interruptus.
9. They say, "Zillow's hard drive is bigger than your hard drive."
10. Their final objection is, "With Zillow, I can sell my home myself."
11. They top all of your success coach's Zillow Zestimate Objection Handlers.
12. They start all conversations with, "Let's see what Zillow has to say..."
13. All their clothes have "Z" monograms.
14. Their Home Page is Zillow.com.
15. Their Screen Saver is The Zillow Home Page.
16. They've already posted about you on the Zillow Blog.
17. They quote from Amy Bohutinsky's latest blog posts.
18. They refer to copies of their Zestimates as Zerox Copies.
19. Their listing presentation folder is thicker than yours.  And it has a Zillow Home Page front sheet.
20. They expect to get all your data, immediately, over the Internet, and for free.
21. They don't try to hide their tattoos of the Zillow Logo.
22. When they ask if you're familiar with Richard Barton?  You reply, "Wasn't he married to Elizabeth Taylor?"

Top 3, New and Improved, Realtor Scripts For Zillow Zestimate Objection Handlers

Lawyers and other debaters are trained to take both sides of an argument.  In Psychology; when a patient is early, they're anxious; when on time, they're obsessive and when late, they're resisting.  Realtors are trained to handle objections by first acknowledging them, then praising the objector(s) and their question, and finally spinning the answer toward the sale.  Thus the joke, "How can you tell if a salesman is lying?"

Realtors have expressed much concern, ridicule and suspiciousness about Zillow and its home value estimates, called Zestimates.  All the great Real Estate Success Coaches (Mike Ferry et. al.) preach scripts, to the point of saying: "The unscripted life is not worth living", "I script therefore I am" and "My scripts are better than your scripts."

As a service to all Realtors, especially those who haven't visited their Success Coach's Web site lately (for The Top 3 Zillow Zestimate Objection Handlers) or haven't paid their monthly coaching fee; I offer these guaranteed success scripts for your clients whose Zillow Zestimates are "Higher or Lower"; and "The Same As" your CMA:

• For CMA's Higher or Lower than the Zillow Zestimate: It's so great you folks took the time and effort to check out your home's value.  It shows the highest level of interest, intelligence and concern with our whole process.  I've never had a couple work so hard with their home search.  I've never had a couple become so truly involved in finding their perfect home.  When we work together, I'm sure your search will be a great success.  We'll find exactly the right home for you, the home of your dreams.  And Zillow uses their computers, all the way out in Seattle; with all their second hand data and out of date information.  There's no way they can know the local market like a Realtor.  That's why I'm here, right?  We have a code of Ethics, too.  Here are my comparables showing the true market value of your home.....Sign the contract.
• For CMA's The Same As the Zillow Zestimate: It's so great you folks took the time and effort to check out your home's value.  It shows the highest level of interest, intelligence and concern with our whole process.  I've never had a couple work so hard with their home search.  I've never had a couple become so truly involved in finding their perfect home.  When we work together, I'm sure your search will be a great success.  We'll find exactly the right home for you, the home of your dreams.  And Zillow has the most powerful, up to date and cutting edge Real Estate computers and software.  They process tons of the most current Real Estate data and property information.  They come up with the most specific, accurate and on-target property estimates.  I'm so sure of our estimate, we won't have to look at any of the many comparable homes I diligently researched just for you.....Sign the contract.

Do you have any suggestions to Realtors for Zillow Zestimate Objection Handlers?

Zillexicon, The Dictionary According to Zillow

• The Zillexicon (Z Dictionary, Dictionary Z, Where you learn your Real Estate ABZ's): A reverse alphabetical listing of words and their meaning in a certain area, in this case Zillow.
• "Z", The first letter in the last word in Real Estate, Zillow. Scrabble Value = 10.
• The Z-Word: Realtor term for Zillow, spoken when Realtors don't want to speak the name, Zillow.
• Zillow: (Pillow with a "Z") A company that is to Real Estate Search what Google is to General Search. Also: A Realtor 4 letter word like "DOJ" and "FSBO".
• Zillow (v.t.): a verb meaning to look up a home's value on the Internet. To Zillow your home. Similar to the verb "to Google (v.t.)" meaning to look up a term or phrase on the Internet.
• All that is "Z". As in "All that is "G".
• Zestimate: the value estimate of your home given by Zillow. Also: "Zillow says..."
• Zest: The feeling a Realtor gets when he's within 10% of a Zestimate.
• Zillow Talk: Conversations by Realtors on how to stop Zillow from helping us. "Realtors Good. Zillow Bad."
• Zindex (pl: Zindexes, Zindicies): The aggregate value estimates of all the homes in an area (ie. in your neighborhood), often represented in a color coded map of an area.
• Zame (As in "Zame Difference" and "Zactly the Zame"): When a home's CMA is identical to its Zestimate.
• Zasquatch: a big hairy beast who charges out of the forests of the Great Northwest and virtually eats Realtor lunch.
• GodZillow: a giant sea monster who rises out of Puget Sound and takes terabytes out of Realtors' assets and ad budgets.
• The U of Z: Real Estate education courses offered by Zillow, online and for free.
• The Zen of Z: Being one with home buyers and sellers Real Estate Search.
• Zbay: When you auction your home using Zillow.
• Z-Bart: The best rust prevention for your Realty advertising machine.
• Zenility: When you forget to check the Zestimate on the home you're buying.
• Zero Tolerance:  Acceptance of Zillow in Realtor Circles.
• Z-List: Like Craig's List and Angie's List, but a list of all the homes for sale on Zillow.
• Zness Envy: Realtor jealousy of how fast Zillow can do a home market evaluation.
• Zillonoia: a Realtor feeling that Zillow is after us and out to get us.
• Zillowphobia: The Realtor fear Zillow will eat our lunch.
• Zillophilia: The love of Zillow by home buyers and sellers and FZBO's.
• CMAZ (abbr. for CMAZing): CMA's done using Zestimates as a start.
• FZBO: For Zillow By Owner,  also FSBOZ: For Sale By Owner Zillow.
• Mashup: a hybrid of 2 data bases, bigger and better. Mashdown: a subset of a data base, smaller and better. When Zillow takes all its street addresses and makes a mashdown of all the homes for sale creating an MLZ.
• MLZ: Multiple Listing Zillow, like an MLS (Multiple Listing Service), only better and bigger.
• NAZ: The National Association of Zillow.
• "Richard Barton": Zillow for "Bill Gates".  Realtor for "commission thief". The "Dr Z of Realty".
• Vitamin Z (Substance Z): Web site additive strengthening CMA's and home buyer traffic. Not to be confused with Mineral Z, Zinc.
• Zealtors (RealtorZ): Realtors who go over to the dark side and use Zillow.
• Z-Commerce: Realty transactions facilitated by Zillow.
• Zeit Geist: The Spirit of the TimeZ.
• Zenith: The point virtually and directly overhead at Zillow's headquarters.
• Zilch (Zero, Zippo), (As in Zero, Zilch, Zippo): The fee charged to Realtors to use Zillow's sales tools and to access its data.  Also the amount of money Zillow spends on advertising. They use buZZ marketing.
• Zillion: the number of dollars you make by investing in Zillow early.
• Zilloans: loans made by mortgage companies who advertise on Zillow.
• ZillowAster: the god of Real Estate Search, ZillowAstrianism: the belief that Zillow is Real Estate Search Heaven.  Helped sell Mt Olympus Real Estate for Zeus.
• Zillow Tech: The tools Zillow provides to Realtors for free helping them sell houses (like Google Tech for searchers).
• Zing: The feeling a Realtor gets when the Zestimate is more accurate than the CMA.
• Zits: Realtors' skin condition developed after their CMA's are not as accurate as Zestimates.
• Zits-ophrenia: Mental disorder associated with Zits contracted by Realtors, whose CMA's are not as accurate as Zestimates.
• Z-mail: When the MLZ emails a registered home buyer all the homes fitting their criteria.
• Z-Monster: like Sea Monster and G Monster. Hideous being terrifying Realtors, MLS's and Realtor.com.
• Znormous: The amount of Real Estate data (over 2 terabytes) that Zillow has. (2 TerrorBytes: The amount of Real Estatae data Zillow needs to scare Realtors.)
• Zombies: undead FSBO's (also FZBO and FSBOZ) who looked up their home values themselves and come back from their graves to steal Realtors' commissions.
• Zoogle: The name for when Google buys Zillow, or Zillow buys Google.
• Zorro: Hero of the Great Southwest who carved a "Z" with his blade like Zillow does to Realtor commissions.
• Zowey, Zikes, Zooks (GadZooks): Realtor exclamations when their CMAs match the Zestimates.
• Z-Track: The way you inject data from Zillow into a Reaty Web site so nothing oozes out.
• Zylophone (Zillowphone): Mobile device allowing Realtors and home buyers to get Zestimates on homes.
• Amy B. Zillow: The Web Mistress of the Zillow Blog.
• Zhat's All, Folks: Z end.

   

Zillonoia

Paranoia, the feeling that people are after you and out to get you, is rampant in Real Estate today. In mental health they say, "There's a little truth in all paranoia" and "Just 'cause you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you."  Paranoids are out of touch with reality and in Real Estate paranoids are out of touch with Realty too.  And if you don't believe me just check out Robert Butters article, "Avoid Paranoia, Embrace Innovation" in Inman News, 7/24/06.

Realtors; by our nature, training and experience; are paranoid.  Everyone wants what we've got;  everyone is out to get us; and these intruders don't even want to pass a state test with a 70.  We're under attack by FSBO's and G-men and banks, Oh my!  (G-men aren't Google Guys, but Department of Justice employees.)  But does this justify all our flat-feers? 

It's bad enough Realtors are compared to used car and Life Insurance salesmen, but Steve Levitt in Freakonomics, compares us to the Ku Klux Klan.  Since Freakonomics has done so well, In Freakonomics II will Levitt compare us to Nazis?

What cabal?  What cartel?  My broker's office can't get our agents to come to our sales meetings, let alone an OPEC meeting.  Where's Sheik, Sheik, Sheik; Sheik Yamani when we really need him?  Don't we need to keep the FSBO's, the discounters and the money changers out of our temple? 

We didn't like learning the computer, we still hate the Internet and now the Search Engines want to steal our data.  Oh for the glory days, the days of the Realty Giants, when we had all the books with the big "CONFIDENTIAL" written on the cover.

We now have a name for our illness, Zillonoia.  The fear that Search Engines, particularly Zillow, are after us and out to get us.  Zillow already has data for all the street addresses in the US, why do they need our listings too?  Will we be forced to advertise on Zillow?  What if Zillow buys NRT, Home Services or RE/MAX?  What if Zillow puts the "Z" back in "Zip Realty"?  What if Zillow dumps the MLS and comes up with its own MLZ?   Who would want to sell advertising on all the street addresses in the United States when you can sell 4 houses a year like the average Realtor?

Zillow uses other people's money and other people's data to steal other people's business.  That must be illegal.  Why does the Department of Justice look into that?  Why can't Zillow go after the banks and make Zillions making Zilloans?

What is this Zillow Monster any way?  Is it Zasquatch, the big hairy creature who comes out of the forests of the Great Northwest to eat our lunch?  Are they Zombies, undead FSBO's returning from their graves to steal our commissions?  Or is it GodZillow, the giant sea monster rising out of Puget Sound to have us for breakfast?  Where are our Mike Ferry's, Tony Robbins and twin midgets telling us the top 10 ways to beat Zillow?  That's one infomercial I'd pay for.  But wait, there's more.

MLS vs MLZ

Before Zillow launched in 2/06, we were almost as paranoid of them as we are now.  The Inman Real Estate News Service even ran a contest to see who could predict what Zillow would be.  Two thoughts were a National MLS and an MLS including FSBO's.  Since launch Zillow has added maps, aerial photos, a home financing section and has progressed toward its goal to provide a valuation of 65 million houses.  With all those Web pages hooked to all those home street addresses, how soon will it be before Zillow offers Realtors the opportunity to post pictures and advertise on the page of their own listings?  You can already advertise on the Zillow Web pages of all the homes in your farm, Zip Code, Town or County. 

A free, user friendly, MLS?  We'll have to call it an MLZ, a Multiple Listing Zillow.  All our listings will be open to all search engines (Zillow already has partnerships with Google, Yahoo!, MSN and LendingTree.) and to all home searchers.  We're better than FSBO's because we open their homes up to a bigger market, but we hide our listings from the search engines (the Invisible Web).  We can join Zillow and the other search engines in a business deal benefiting both sides or we can watch the Web and the Department of Justice take our birthright from us.  The question of working with them is not whether, but when.

Top 9 Reasons Why Zillow Will Fail.

• I've combed the Internet, queried my associates and found "The Top 9 Reasons Why Zillow Will Fail".
• Zillow is a silly name; like Google, Yahoo and Microsoft.
• Zillow hasn't hired any Realtors.
• It sounds so stupid to have a Zillion listings, do a Zillion sales and make a Zillion dollars.
• Real Estate has independent contractors. Zillow just has employees.
• Real Estate has more Success Coaches, so we know the top 10 ways to do everything.
• Real Estate has the NAR.  Zillow doesn't.
• Real Estate is a profession, like doctors, lawyers and hairdressers.  Zillow isn't.
• Realtors can do in hours what Zillow can do in seconds.
• Realtors have a code of ethics. Zillow just makes money.
• Zillow doesn't have any "Make a million dollars with no money down" infomercials.
• Realtors get lots of help from the Department of Justice.  Zillow doesn't.
• The Internet, Google and Zillow are just passing fads.

More Top 9 Selections:

• As Realtors, we can take our MLS and go home.
• As Realtors, you can always tell when we're lying.  Zillow isn't there yet.
• As Realtors, we can pass a law making Zillow pay us 6% too.
• Zillow is compared to Google.  Realtors are compared to used car salesmen.
• We can make Richard Barton and all the other Zillownians sell their home FZBO, and get up to 16% less.
• We'll find a new drug to treat our Zillonoia.
• Zillow employees won't "cold-call prospect".
• As Realtors, we'll pass a law requiring Zillow to provide all broker-agent services.
• As Realtors, we'll require all Zillow employees to get at least a 70 on a state test.
• Realtors sell houses. Zillow just sells advertising.
• The Travel Industry and Expedia is nothing like Real Estate and Zillow or Google and Search.
• No one would ever invest their money in a company named "Zillow".
• As Realtors, we had our Web site first.
• What the hell is a "Zillow", any way?
• Zillow hopes to make money by giving away free property valuations?
• As Realtors, we won't deal with FSBO's or any one else who Zillows their home (FZBO's or FSBOZ).
• Realtors have more conventions.
• Realtors have more meetings, where you can come if you want.
• Realtors have their own comic strip (Dilbert).  Zillow doesn't.
• Realtors have their own movie, Glengarry Glen Ross.  Zillow doesn't.
• Realtors have their own mantra, "Location, Location, Location."  Zillow doesn't.
• "There's nothing new in Real Estate."  Zillow is new.
• As Realtors, we've had a monopoly longer than Zillow.
• We have a better abbreviation, "NAR", than Zillow, " Z", does.
• Real Estate has more experience with competition than Zillow does. Just ask the banks, the flat fee brokers, the FSBO's and the Department Of Justice.
• Realtors are a "dot-org" (Realtor.org). So we we get along better.
• As Realtors, we advertise in newspapers too.
• You can "Google" anything, but who ever heard of "Zillowing" your home?
• Just wait 'til Zillow sees our TV ads.
• Zillow needed other people's money.
• Everyone needs to live in a house. But who can live in a Zillow?  Even a Zillow Pad?
• Our top priority in Real Estate is customer service.  Zillow just makes money.
• As Realtors, we get commissions and pay for our retirement, vacations and other benefits. Zillow employees just get a salary and paid retirement, vacations and other benefits.
• Who'd want to live in Seattle?  So much rain and how many Starbucks Frapachinos can you drink?

Do you have a tenth reason?